5 TIPS to Make it 10 YEARS: The Keys to a Successful Marriage!

5 TIPS to Make it 10 YEARS! 

In honor of our 10 year wedding anniversary, we talk about 5 tips to make it 10 years!

God doesn't want us to have a sucky marriage. He wants us to have a thriving marriage! We cover a wide variety of key topics from communication, sex, and a Christ centered foundation! Join us for a fun conversation!

✨ Welcome to Counter Culture with Caleb & Stephanie! ✨

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Transcript

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What's up guys? Welcome to Counterculture on Destination with Caleb and Stephanie. Alright, listen, Steph did this poll the other day on social media and she was like, hey, I'm trying to convince Caleb to do a destination podcast because we are on our 10-year wedding anniversary, like resort trip. Yeah. And we're having a freaking blast. But Steph was like, oh, well, let's see, let's let's do a podcast. I'm like, where the heck are we gonna do a podcast at? Like, where right here. Yeah, right here. But so, but get this though. Because today we went up and we were like, okay, hey, I I I went and checked in and I was like, okay, it's our 10-year wedding anniversary. Is there anything you could do to like hook us up with like a room upgrade? And they were like, Yeah, we could do that. And they're like, we're gonna give you one that's got like a little bit of like a balcony and then a water view. And I was like, that's freaking awesome. So we were looking at these different ones and we're like, okay, we can probably film a podcast right at our bedroom. I was I was trying to convince him to record it in the actual lagoon, and he was like, Stephanie. Yeah, well, there's a lot of places around here we probably could film, but anyways, it's really fun. Like, we're having a great time. We went paddle boarding today, yeah. For I think it was the first time. I remember trying like a long time ago, but it was in like rocky waves, really right. So I didn't do very well. And I've surfed and stuff, but I didn't do great paddleboarding. Today I did awesome, though. I was like a pro. Neither of us fell. And we even kissed on separate paddleboards. Wait, but you know what was funny? There is okay, and this other little kid almost made the exact same mistake as me. I was getting on the paddle board to load, to load on, right? They have this like bar, and then they load, they put the paddleboard there, and they're like, okay, step behind the bar and just you know, get on the board. I'm like, okay. I step behind the bar, mind you, it was behind, and I just started sinking on this floating thing. They're like, no, no, no, not right there, the other side. It was so funny. I wish I would have gotten a video of it. Oh well. It was really funny. But it's a laughable moment that we were able to, and then I but then I saw another little kid do it, and I was like, I told the the guy that was running it, I was like, see, he almost made the same mistake. He said it makes you feel better that it was a kid, like that a kid did that. Listen, you know, technically I was behind the railing, okay? But anyways, um, okay, so why are we even doing a podcast here on destination, babe? Other than the fact that people wanted us to. Yeah. Um, well, we're celebrating our 10-year, which is really exciting, but we were like, let's do an episode on marriage. So Caleb and I are both marriage coaches at our church, and we will coach couples, whether it's premarital or marital, and we just love it. Like, we love it. We feel like the Lord was the one that just aligned for us to be marriage coaches, and we have just received so much blessing by being entrusted with other couples in our church that are either going through issues or they're getting ready to get married. Because so many, so many people nowadays, if you tell them that you're getting married, they're like, oh, oh gosh. Um Yeah, what is this terrible like outlook on marriage, bro? Like, we've been married 10 years and it's f it literally just gets better. I agree. That's it. But it's yeah, so, anyways, we were like, let's do a podcast on marriage, and then we can also do more episodes. If you want, comment and maybe we can do episodes on premarital or on single or on different things that we have come face to face with either in our marriage or we have spoken to other couples that are going through different things, and it just brings up so many reminders of guys, like marriage is it's the best gift. It's a gift when you do it right. So this episode is gonna be really fun. We're gonna be talking about the top five. Yeah. Five tips to make five, five tips to make it 10 years. That's the that's the name of the of the whole thing. I love it. So this is like counterculture marriage edition. I love it. Okay. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay. We already talked about how we think it's bogus that people think that marriage is like like we run into people and I'm like, what is your what is wrong with you? Like, why are you so down in the dumps about your marriage? Like, it just sucks. But I think that sometimes it's because these five tips that that we're listing out today, I feel are really pivotal. And if one or multiple of them are like off kilter, then I think it can really affect the healthy, the healthiness, the health of your marriage, and just like how happy you are, like in your marriage, and you know, how you get along, all this different kind of stuff I feel like is really affected by these five different things. Yeah, it's kind of like a car. If you have like your suspension's working great, but your brakes are out, it's like you you can't operate well, like danger, Will Robinson. It is like you are headed for disaster. Yeah, yeah. All right, what's number one, baby? Okay, number one is open communication. I feel like there are so many times in marriages that you hear that, well, he doesn't communicate enough, or she doesn't communicate enough, and it's like that's like I feel like it's it's such a foundational piece. Like this person that you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with, especially in the well, it doesn't matter if you believe in God or not, but ultimately it's a covenant, right? Where two are becoming one. So it's like why would you not share your thoughts and communicate with your person so that like you guys are one flesh now, you know? Like you've you've gotta actually be that. You can't you're not two separate now. Like you're obviously two separate people, but in the spirit, like you are one, and so you should communicate as such. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Communication is key, and I feel like a lot of people are afraid that if they communicate, they're going to be, I don't know, maybe made fun of, or that they're not in a safe space, or they're gonna be perceived as emotional or just like overly dramatic. And I think the thing is, is the enemy is trying to steal, kill, and destroy your marriage. Period. End of story. That's why over 50% of marriages now are like they lead to divorce. That's in that's Christian marriages. Included, yeah. I don't even think that that's the divorce rate uh like on outside of Christian marriages. I think it's even higher. Absolutely. Can we just talk about this? Is the like the sun is actually out at full speed right now, and we are just getting nailed just sitting here incinerated. It's been overcast all day, and the second we come out, it's like the Lord is shining on us. I'm gonna have like a holy tan, literally. Well, you know what's funny earlier in the cabana thing that we were staying in over there, it w there's like little holes all throughout it, and I'm like, I'm gonna have like a dotted like sunburn. Totally. We are getting tanned in all the wrong places right now. But anyways, communication. Communication. Yeah, you were saying that the the the feeling of maybe being too emotional or dramatic or um just the aspect of being vulnerable, and I feel like for guys specifically, there's this this this ideology that if you communicate how you feel, then all of a sudden you've like lost your man card or something, and that's that's so backwards, and it's so old school. I mean, you look at people that are like you know, grew up like 50 years ago, like maybe that's how you operated, but I think we've moved past that and realized that it's not really a healthy way to live, you know? So we've got to move past that barrier because you've you've chosen now your wife to be your person or your husband to be your person, you've now got to entrust them with your feelings. Now, trust is earned, don't get me wrong, like that's that's a thing. However, um if if the relationship at large is pretty healthy, but yet there's no open communication about um finances or you know how you want to be loved or you know how you're feeling about your current state of your relationship, like doing like even health checks. I know that's something that we do sometimes, like health checks, like how are you doing? How's your love tank? Um, and we'll we'll talk about that too. But all of those are so important because it keeps the lines of communication open and allows for you guys to really just grow together in trust and love and all of that. Yeah, it's really wild to me because there are, I mean, for me, like I do not struggle with communication. I have. I will be like, I have a hair that's out of place, and I will communicate that to you. Like you will. I everything all day long. I'm just like, yeah. It's just like you are my mouthpiece. It's like it comes to my mind and out my mouth straight to your ears. Like it is so easy for me to communicate, and I feel like because of that, it has made you more comfortable communicating with me too. Yeah. So it's been very, I feel like that is a really good strong suit in our marriage, is that we communicate about everything. There is not anything that you don't know. All of my insecurities, everything. And I feel like because you know it all, you are able to lead me in a Christ-centered marriage as Jesus does to his church. Like you are able to help me be better. You help me not just accept my insecurities or say, well, that's just who I am. Right. But we work through those things and I'm able to like recognize, okay, that's an area that I need to give to the Lord. And the Lord is able to refine it out and burn it out and let me be free and better from it. And so because we communicate, I feel like our relationship is so dang strong. Yeah. Because there's not anything that we don't know like about how we're feeling. Right. What would you say though, from a perspective, because there are other women that do struggle to communicate that feel very vulnerable, that don't want to tell their husbands things that they're feeling or things that their husbands are doing that are bothering them. From the man's point of view, why should she open up and be vulnerable? Well, I think from a man, like if the the man needs to create a safe space, right? Like, drop your pride, bro. You know what I mean? Like, pride comes before the fall. I don't think that's just speaking about your stuff. That could speak to your relationships, your your job, like any of that stuff. Um, create a safe space for your wife to be able to communicate her feelings to you. Because if you don't do that, why would she open up to you? Like, if you didn't create a safe space for me, I wouldn't open up to you either. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I think it goes both ways. I think we look at, well, the women, they'll just tell us anyways, because but but it it it changes from person to person. Some people are more comfortable, other people aren't. And and like I was saying, trust is earned. And so if you're not creating that safe space, it's gonna make it really difficult for her to open up and communicate how she's feeling to you. But also, I think with a person like that that maybe struggles to open up, asking them the question, hey, let's do like let's just chat. Like, how are you doing? Are you okay? Like, I'm noticing X, Y, and Z, like pay attention, you know? Like, you know your wife, you know your you know, your spouse, like it's you you can pick up on the tension in the room, you know. Like, so create a space where maybe you do have to ask the question, but that's okay. You're creating that space for her to communicate. Yeah, absolutely. So I think that that's great. Second thing, you ready to jump to the second one? Of course. Okay, so one is open communication, keep those lines open, okay? The next one is super important, and it's something that we we really talk to this a lot with couples, and that's loving your spouse in their love language. Oh, I love talking about love languages. I know you do. This is my favorite topic. Oh my gosh, I love this topic. Yes. It is so honestly, I would I think of everything that you can do in your marriage, obviously other than Jesus, this is the most crucial secret tip in your marriage book pocket. And you don't have to read the book to do it, to know what your marriage is. It's good to read. It's a good read. It's good to read in general. But it is like this is game-changing because you have a love language that you receive love, and you have a love language that you give love in. And that love language can change from whether you're talking about your spouse or whether you're talking about family members or friends or in the workplace. So for us, it's so interesting because we don't have the same love language. Nope. Like I think we both love spending time together. We spend a lot of time together. Quality time. So quality time is like a given. But you can also, I have all five live languages. Yeah, it's great. It's a great just conglomerate. Very, very fun to figure out on the different days. But closer to my birthday, it tends to get higher in the gift category. Yeah, yeah. It's like gifts really becomes my love like that. They situationally change. So, yeah. But across the board on the daily, with you specifically, not with other people, but with you specifically, I'm acts of service. And just so you know, the five love languages are just put me on the spot. Yeah, I did in your physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, um Frick. What was the other one? Gifts, gifts, and then physical touch. No, you already said physical touch. I must really like that one. Yeah, I do. I said words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, acts of service, gifts, gifts, quality time. Quality time. Okay, we got it. Sorry for confusion. Come on. Um, but okay, so what does it look like? Physical touch. If your love language is physical touch in your marriage, we're talking about marriages here. We're gonna talk about that in two different you know, two down. Oh gosh. Uh raising for impact. Um, if your love language is physical touch, then you need physical touch in your marriage in order to feel loved. A lot of times, men are physical touch. Yeah, but you know what's funny? I also have been growing this love for acts of service. Really? Yeah, I have. And I was just thinking about it. So service in the physical touch range. No, no, no, no. No, we'll talk about that too. No, but seriously though, um, like I love when I get off work when you've like cleaned all this stuff, and I'm like, oh, this is amazing. I can just relax. I'm learning so much right now. But but no, it's good. And I'm it's funny because I'm just kind of realizing this. And see, I'm openly communicating. Yeah, this is so cool. This is great. This is a great example. This is great. I need to be safe space. Although Steph is like, frick, man. Maybe you just don't communicate about that. No. I think it's awesome. That is really cool. I'm just kidding. So physical touch, you would need to you would need physical touch. Like that could be hugging, hugging, spooning, sexual intimacy and your marriage, like things like that to feel loved. Next, gifts. Gifts are easy. You somebody buys to buy a gift. Yeah, you buy your gift and you feel loved that way. Yeah, acts of service, that could be like doing the dishes for you, cooking dinner for you, cleaning the house, things like that, like helping you with actual like servitude kind of thing. Um, that's mine. And so for us, it's really interesting because you are the breadwinner of our family. You pay for me to be able to eat. And so great info. What does that mean? I feel like a bone in many a bone of contention in many marriages is this mindset that some men have of if I'm the breadwinner, then you need to do everything else. And I feel like because my love language is acts of service, it doesn't like you don't treat me like, well, I'm making all the money. So you need to do everything else. Right. Because you know that I feel loved when you help me do the dishes or you help me like pick up or take care of the kids or hold the baby. Here, yeah, well, here's the problem with that mindset, guys, is it completely takes out the whole aspect of servitude. Like, I'm not gonna jump around too much here, but when you have a Christ-centered marriage, you know, people like to f let's go there. Let's go ahead and cover this one with a Christ-centered, like, Holy Spirit infused. And I'll just touch on it a little bit. But when you do that, you are you have to remember that you know, people like to focus on the submissive wife piece of it, right? But Ephesians 5 tells us that as men, we're supposed to love our wives like Christ loved the church, and he served the church by giving of himself, like his whole body, like he died, right? So you're you have to be willing to die for like the ultimate um like serving there is, period. And so, like, if we have the if we carry this mindset into our relationships that oh well, I make all the money so you can take care of what I tell you to, or whatever, blah blah blah. That's really selfish, yeah. And I think it's not it's it's not approaching it from a biblical framework of servitude, and I think that that's really important. We can get back to we let's go ahead and go back to the love relationship. That aspect though, because you exude servitude, you don't expect me to do all these, it's not a tit for tat relationship, and I think because of that, it just makes my love for you grow to where I want to serve you right in return in the areas that you feel loved. Well, that's the beauty of the love languages, because what app what actually happens a lot of times is people love from the love language they want to receive from when they're not when their love language isn't being met. So what happens is I'm trying to love Steph with the love language of like physical touch, right? But she doesn't necessarily like she likes physical touch, but that's not what gives her the fills her love tank, right? Yeah, and so because of that, if I do what she wants, now her love tank is still on E, but I'm on E as well, and then it's just this cycle and it keeps going until somebody goes, Oh, wait, I need to serve the other person with their love language. Yeah, absolutely. We oftentimes give our love languages that we want to receive. So, like when I'm feeling empty, I'll start mass cleaning, like deep cleaning, like the cabinets will get clean, like I just go crazy. I make sure everything in the house is perfect. And then a lot of times, what do I do? Babe, what do you need help with right now? Yes, because we've been married 10 years now. Yeah, so you've like picked up on like if she is like overly cleaning or serving or do anything, she's like, she must be empty. And what do you need right now? Right. And it's so cool because like oftentimes you will give the love language that you want to receive. Whereas if I'm trying to give Caleb love, like I just need to give him physical touch. So it's it's a really good chat. Or accessive service job. Apparently, that is like it's a new one. That is a that is important now, like making sure the house is clean is actually giving you love. And also the cool thing about love languages is that they can change. Yeah. Like your love language clearly can change, yes. Because we were just talking about what which ones that we had not covered. We covered three. Yeah, we we covered gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Yeah, we have quality time, which that's not just like spending time together while you're watching Netflix and doing other things. Quality time is like intentional time. Quality. It's like intentional time, with like sitting face to face, like putting your phone down, having a conversation. Yes, like maybe at night you want like you just need to reconnect with your spouse, and so you have like a 20-minute coffee decaf coffee date or hot tea date, and you sit on the patio while the kids are asleep, phones down and you just reconnect for the day. Well, and I think it could also I mean, quality time can also look like a you know, gaming together or even watching TV, but at the end of the day, it's like it usually you wanna like kind of take time to actually connect, you know, with quality time. Yeah, but it depends on The couple and you know what they want to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. For sure. Now, the last one words of affirmation. Words of affirmation. That one's huge. Yeah. I feel like you are a big words of affirmation person, and I love them too. Yeah, I think everybody does. I think they do. Life and death is in the tongue. Well, I think what happens is some people they like you're more like, yeah, yeah, give me more, give me more. And when you but for me, when you tell me them, I'm like, I really like this. Like, yeah. Really? Okay, cool. That's awesome. Thank you. Yeah. You know, like I'm a little more reserved, but I still love them. So well, and I feel like words of affirmation is a really difficult one for introverts. Introverts really struggle with words of affirmation, not all of them, obviously, but people that are really like to themselves and don't like to communicate well. That's a big struggle for them. Yeah. Because it makes them feel like they're risking themselves or putting it out on the line. But at the end of the day, when you're married, your marriage can only go up if you decide to be vulnerable and overly communicate, overly share. You are fantastic. You're great. Thank you so much for this. Like, and show appreciation because appreciation in marriage is like, dude. Well, and all of that also helps us in the next point as well. Because when you have a solid foundation of loving each other the way that you're supposed to, it's easy to remember this one thing. Remembering your teammates and not opponents. That's a good one. It's a that's a really big one. And I think it's something that we've noticed over the years. Like, I feel like when you're first married, it's pretty easy. Pretty easy to be teammates, right? You don't really forget that very often. But for us, 10 years in, we've got three kids now. And to be honest, that can throw it in the mix a little bit. Like it can mix things up, it can feel a little chaotic, right? Then there's situations where you just feel like you're kind of pulling your hair out at different times, and then you're snapping at each other on accident. You're not even trying to, but it just like kind of happens. But I think for us, something that we realized is like, and I've even called it out in some of our situations that we've been in, and being like, hey, let's remember that we're teammates here. Yeah, it's such a good reminder because so many times, like when you are married, that is the closest person in your life. 100%. But that's also the person that gets the most grief, the most heartache, the most like terrible words and all that. Like, for some reason, it seems that they are always the brunt of all of it. But then they're also the best of all of it. And so it's like having that reminder of, hey, we're not enemies, we're on the same team, fighting the problem is so crucial in the things that are happening because it is so easy for those little tiny arguments or pockets of areas that are causing problems to make you think that your spouse is the problem, but it your spouse is not the problem. Like you just need that mental reframe to realize, like, no, no, no, we're in this together against the problem. So, what is the actual problem here? The problem is not that you're in my way in the kitchen and I'm trying to hurry up. The problem is that A, B, C, you know, like reframing and recognizing the actual problem and then being very quick to apologize. I'm so sorry. Like, I'm sorry, I just I'm just stressed out because of A, B, and C. Can we restart? Yeah, 100%. And I think that when you have that mindset, it's easier to go into certain situations and and actu actively like do things to make changes real time to where you're not even having to apologize. For instance, if if there's like a situation going on with our kids and she's getting a little too like overstimulated with it, I'll be like, hey, I got it. And then I'll tap in because we're teammates, yeah. And you'll do the same for me. Yeah. And so I think that that's really helpful. Yeah. It when you when you remember that like God has brought you together as one, you're not two, like you, you're a you're a force to be reckoned with. Yeah. Right? And so when we have that mindset, we can tackle problems together, financial problems, health problems, all of that stuff can be attacked as a unit rather than two separate people. You know? Yeah. And so it's just, I think that that's like super important. I also think I know we didn't even have this mentioned, but I think it's also important to manage your expectations when it comes to being married, because I think so many times when you have couples that have issues, a lot of the times you're gonna see number one, unforgiveness in the marriage. And number two, you're gonna see expectations that were not met, but unrealistic expectations. Like, for example, what we were talking about earlier, if you were the breadwinner in our family, which you are, and you had an expectation that I was supposed to take care of everything else and you didn't have to do anything, regardless of my love language, because you're making all the money, like we would have dissension in our marriage because you're not being loving and like laying down your life the way that Christ did. But because it's such a rare thing for a man like you to do something like that and to do it with love and with no expectations on me, our marriage is so fruitful and it makes me so much more like just in love with you because of the way that you are treating me like just so beautifully. Yeah. And so I think when you have expectations, or maybe the woman has expectations that the man is supposed to do all these things, I would say like don't. You know, like adjust your expectations because expectations are just going to lead to bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment. Yeah. And it's never a good thing when you have expectations that are in an event, like they just turn out to not be met. Well, and if both people actively have the mindset of serving the other one. And listen, you're gonna go through seasons where y you forget it. Like, you know, it marriage isn't always 50-50. Sometimes it's 90-10, 80-20, 70-30. Like it just depends on the day. But showing up and being available, giving what you can, what you have in the tank, and and and and and realizing that you're there to serve one another, if you both have that mindset, generally speaking, you're going to have a pretty dang successful marriage. Absolutely. Because it's just it's going to, like you just said, when I serve you or when I help you, and I don't expect anything in return, it just makes you love me more, and vice versa. And so it makes me want to do those things for you. It makes you want to do those things for me. So honestly, it's that's that's the hack right there is servitude, which is part of what we talked about at the beginning. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, next one. This one's a fun one. Oh my gosh, you guys, I did not want to talk about this topic. I did not want to talk about this topic. Okay, let's just let's just do this real quick. Okay. If you happen to be family, maybe click off for you know the next five minutes. Definitely click off. I do not want you hearing any of this. Well, listen, okay. You know what? Oh, wait. Before we move on, hold on. Loving your spouse in your love language. I I forgot to give the verse. I want to give the verse really quick. Okay. Colossians 3 14, it says, and above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Beautiful. I think that that sums up that category so well. So now we will go to the best topic. And that is sex as much as possible. Why do you act like that? I don't want to talk about this to all of these people. It's so funny people. Here's the thing, guys. God created us to enjoy our spouses. Like, period, end of story. So, as a grown adult who are trying to help equip people, quit looking out there worried about what people are thinking. I'm not. Listen, I think that it's a very important topic to talk about. Like, uh, hello. Proverbs 5, 18 through 19 says, May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your of your youth, a loving doe, a graceful deer. May her breast satisfy you. Hello, always, and may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Absolutely. I agree with that. Let's go. Come on. What are we talking about? This is good. This is good. This is proverbs, bruv. Come on. What are your thoughts? Absolutely. I think that sometimes in marriage, sex is a weapon. And I think when sex is a weapon, you are setting yourself up for failure. 100%. Long-term failure. I think that's one of the big key things that leads to the 50% of divorces that we have in America or wherever. Yeah. So how often should we be having sex? I think that's something you communicate with your spouse. Yeah. Um, I think every day preferred. That's an open communication that you should discuss with your spouse. I don't think it should be like a mandatory thing. I don't think it should be forced. But I do think that you should talk to your spouse. And I don't think that when you get upset, you should withhold that as a form of retribution. Yeah. That in itself is a sin. Like that's not what you're supposed to do. Well, uh, First Corinthians 7, 3 through 4 says the husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. So, pretty much, whenever I want it, whenever you want it, we're supposed to get it. You know what I'm saying? And I think that's the beauty of marriage. I think that that's what's so so special, is that the way that God intended us to be is in a fruitful marriage where we are able to be intimate with each other as often as we need or want. And I think that's that's how God intended it. And so I think when you lose sex in the marriage, that is such a key destroyer of your marriage because that's sex is where so much intimacy lies. And it's not just the physical act of it, there's so much emotional intimacy and mental intimacy that happens in in your marriage. And so without that, you it's what's the difference? Like you're literally just with a friend or a roommate, and I think that's danger territory, is when you start recognizing, hey, I feel like we're roommates. What would you say though to the to the couple that's maybe they're trying to rebuild trust in their relationship? And maybe they're they're just not having sex because a lot of times for husbands, it's a lot easier emotionally, like yes, there's emotion there, there's it's it's still intimacy, but I think sometimes for women it's a little bit more like they they have to feel loved and feel safe and things like that to really want to even do it, you know, want to have sex. So what what would you say for the couple that's trying to rebuild maybe something if there was a breach of trust or anything like that? But what would you say to that? I think for women, sex starts earlier in the day. Like, say you're having sexual intercourse at like nine o'clock at night. For women, it starts at nine in the morning. Like the second you get up that morning. Like, men, I'm sorry, it is a lot of work, okay? But like your job to if you want to have sex with your wife, you need to start like talking to her nice that morning. Like, yeah, you have to start priming her like way in advance, yeah, in the form of just being a loving husband. No foreplay means no play. Caleb, you are getting so detailed, and I am trying to I'm trying to keep a high level here, baby. Nope, we going deep, baby. Listen, if we're coaching you marriage coaches, we go deep, okay? But for some reason, doing this on a podcast is the is making me real. I think it's great information. I think that people, there's there's people that want to know, but nobody's talking about it. Or not not not everybody's talking about it, but we're talking about it. We are now so it's fun. I love it. But I think for women, like obviously there's different situations, but at the end of the day, if you're gonna stay in that marriage, you have to know that there's going to you're gonna be having intercourse again. Like that is going to happen. But if there was a deep breach of trust or anything like that, honestly seek help. Like go to therapy, go to counseling. There is nothing wrong with that. It's so good, it's so beneficial. There was a season of our life when we did that, like we were just arguing about stupid stuff, and obviously there was probably spiritual warfare going on as well, because you know, of course. However, um our our therapist told us something very interesting. Cause, you know, we had a lot of laundry at the time. Like we were that was our bone of contention. And it sounds so stupid, and it is. However, she was like, guys, I'm gonna be honest with you, buy a couple of more hampers. What's or like what's the big deal? Okay, so let's let's let's give let's give a little more information. Sure, sure. So our biggest bone of contention, we were both working full-time jobs, and we had two children at the time, and it was just like overwhelming because my job was high stress all the time, and we just had so much laundry all the time. And we I would do the all the laundry and then I would bring it in and ask for him to help me like put this stuff away, and we would just have baskets on baskets sitting on top of the bed. I know y'all know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Every couple of everybody knows it. Everybody knows. If you don't, please give me your secrets because I don't know what no, but yeah. So, anyways, we were constantly fighting because as my love language is acts of service, I just felt like here I am working in the few hours that I have off work. I'm doing the laundry, I'm doing the dish, doing all these things. I just need you to help me with this so I don't walk into a bedroom that I can't get in my bed because it's piled high. Right. And so she was like, she nailed down exactly what the problem was because I'm trying to unload the laundry, but we've already got all the baskets full. And she was like, buy more baskets. Yeah, she's like, guys, just buy more baskets. Because she's like, you're not every day. Are you gonna have the energy to actually put all the laundry away? Right. So buy more baskets so you can at least have all of the clean laundry in enough baskets, and when you're able to, you can do that. And some of y'all, that is speaking right to you. That is your answer. That is your answer. That's so funny. But yeah, seriously. But anyways, that that's a funny thing. Like, that's something that was really trivial, but still a bone of contention for us. But honestly, like if you have more deep-rooted things as well that need that help to get you back to the level where you can have like intimacy with your spouse, then go to therapy, bro. And men, if you're like pushing back, like, oh well, I don't I don't want to talk, get over yourself. Get over yourself. Stop with the pride game. You obviously aren't doing something right, one of you isn't. So guess what? You need somebody else to help. That's not you being uh unable. That's not you, that's not taking your man card away. That is simply you dropping your pride, humbling yourself before the Lord and saying, I need help, I need counsel from from someone and Holy Spirit ultimately. Like go to a Christian therapist, like that'd be the best thing to do because other ones might tell you to get divorced at some point. Who knows? But anyways, I think that um to get you back on track, like 100%, like go to therapy, it's great. Absolutely, or if you go to Gray City, free marriage coaching, guys. We can be your coaches, and we will not talk about yes, we will. It's confidential in our it is confidential, but we won't talk about it on here, but we will talk about some dope stuff, you know what I'm saying? Okay, you ready to move on? Are you scared of this topic or something? No, I'll talk about it as much as you want. If you guys have questions, you can always post them in the comments. Yeah, we can do another pod episode if you really want us to talk about this. They're gonna want one just on sex. Yeah, we just that would be hilarious. If you do, you just let us know. We can talk about positions, we can talk about it. You better stop right now. That is no, we are not doing a sex podcast. We might. It's whatever the Lord wants, guys. Okay, this is true. Okay, so the the final and last one, which I briefly touched on before, but it is probably the most pivotal and most important one as somebody brings a garbage can down. Anyways, um, is a Christ-centered Holy Spirit-infused marriage. So I am gonna read Ephesians 5, 21 through 28. Um, and I've got another verse in Matthew 19, 6. Okay, so Matthew 19 6 says, So they are no longer one flesh, which we talked about it earlier, but two. Wait, you said that backwards? I said it backwards. They are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. Okay, and then Ephesians 5, 21 through 28. So bear with me, okay? And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife, as Christ is the head of the church. He is the savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives. See, a lot of people like to stop there. Wives submit, right? No. For husbands, shut up and listen, okay? This means love your wives just as Christ loved the church. We already talked about it, but you do you understand what Christ did? He died for everybody. Like he died for the church. So, if your heart posture is that of I I am deserving of X, Y, and Z, and I'm going to like, you know, uh preach my dominance, right? Or assert my dominance, you've already lost, bro. Like, you're not even who you think you are. You are not this dom you're not dominant, you're just domineering. Like you're not the dominant one in the room. You just think you are. Um, so for husbands, this means love your wives just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church, without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. So the way you actually feel about you is going to be reflected in the way you feel about your wife. Um and so having Holy Spirit infused in your relationship is so key, though, because I think that a lot of times two Christians will get married and that's it, but they don't actually resemble Christ in the marriage. You know what I'm saying? Like there's a difference between there's a difference between two Christians getting married and Christians getting married and having a Christ-centered marriage. Absolutely. I mean, when we got married, we were two Christians getting married. Yep. We didn't start having a Christ-centered marriage until a couple years ago. Yeah, I think that we we did in different aspects, right? Yeah. But I think the it's really important, guys, for both of you to be pursuing your relationship with Jesus at the exact same time, like both equally like going headstrong towards Jesus. Because when you're married, Jesus pulls you together. When you have Holy Spirit in your relationship, he will give you discernment and understanding and wisdom on how to navigate your relationship. And he will also speak in your quiet times. Yes. And you will tell me things that answer my questions to the Lord. And then, same, vice versa. The other day I walked in and I was like, Caleb, you won't believe what I just read. This was insane, by the way. Okay. I I'll I'll tell let should I preface what happened at the gym? I was at the gym and uh I was listening to a podcast, and the Lord had uh spoken something to me last year, and it was very clear. And I've talked about it on the podcast before, it was audible, like I resounding from every part of my head and loud, but nobody else heard it but me, but it was really loud. Um, and that word that he spoke when I was in the gym and I was listening to this podcast, I was reminded of it, and I was like, oh my gosh, like the Lord is convicting me on this, right? Like, and he and it was gentle, it was good, and I that's why I knew it was from Holy Spirit. There was no guilt or condemnate condemnation attached to it. It was simply just like, hey, here's a little nudge, right? So then Steph, bam. So I just happened to go, I realize I'm like, I have not. Caleb's, we're having a conversation. Sorry. We're having a conversation. And Caleb's like, well, why don't you ask the Lord what you should do? And so I like close my eyes and I ask the Lord and I don't hear anything. And I'm like, okay, I clearly need to spend some time in the Word because my life has been so busy that I have spent like morsels of time in the Word. And so I'm like, okay, I'm gonna read the Word. I go sit down, read for not even five minutes, and it was like BAM! And I was like, all this stuff. And so I immediately go run and tell you. Yeah. Because it's so exciting. Which we do a lot. Like if one of us gets like a we're like, oh my gosh, the Lord just revealed something that I had never seen in scripture before. Like, is I feel like scripture is living. So there's sometimes where you're gonna read something and you're gonna be like, I feel like I've never read this before. Like, what? Yeah. So yeah. So I run in and I'm telling you about what I just read and like how cool it is, and you're just like acting normal, like I would never know anything. Yeah. And I finish and you're like, that was a word for me. And I was like, What? Oh, it was so spot on that it was like I was I was holding back, like not like laughing, kind of, because I'm like, this is hilarious, God. Like you are just just just throwing it right down my throat in such a nice way. Yeah, totally. But it but that's exactly what happens when you have two people pursuing Jesus and he'll just use the other one as almost like a mouthpiece to just talk to you and be like Absolutely. What? How did Yes? If you are like if you're listening to this and you're like, but my spouse refuses, and I've tried to get my spouse to read the word and all this stuff, like just pray. Like, guys, there's so much power in prayer. Yes, and don't be ashamed to have your Bible out. Like, don't be ashamed to have your quiet time out visibly. Like, don't hide in a closet all the time. Like, come out, like even in front of your kids. Like, it's so important for others to witness that. And if they don't want to get in the word, bring the word to them. Yeah. Like what I just did with with Caleb the other day. Like, I read something and I'm like, oh my gosh, I need somebody to talk to about this. Yeah. And go tell your spouse about this because the word of God never returns void. Yeah. So if your spouse doesn't want to get in the word, then bring the word to him and don't be like, I'm gonna read you this, but just be like, you won't believe what I've just learned. Like, listen how cool this is. Moses said blah, blah, blah, and just like read the couple verses or whatever and explain why that is so cool. Because the word of God is alive and active, and it will impact your spouse and it will give them like a nugget of wow, like, why do I feel alive? Why do I feel nourished? What is happening right now? It's not your job to steward their relationship, it's your job to steward yours. And so when you do that, you set the example. I'm telling you, there's something that happens because the you're setting the spiritual atmosphere, and then when you're doing that, it's almost like impossible at in at some levels, in some levels, for them to just simply ignore it, especially if they're already Christians, and like maybe they're just going through a dry season or they feel distanced from the Lord or whatever, which is always because of us, it's never because of him, of course. But um, it's so important. It's so important to I just kind of lost my train of thought a little bit. Um, but anyways, yeah, it's it's so important to allow the Lord to work through you, okay, um, to impact your spouse. Don't try to do it on your own, though. Like, don't try to be the hero because you're not. Holy Spirit is the one that will do the convicting, Holy Spirit is the one that will draw them back in. And so, but if you're the example, you set the example, not only will it impact them, but it'll also impact your kids. Your kids are gonna start asking questions, they're gonna have more of a desire for the Lord, and we're supposed to train our kids in the way that they should go, right? And so when we are when we're investing in our own relationship with the Lord, there's so many layers that are impacted in throughout your life. And so, yeah, but anyways, having a Christ-centered marriage is like the key to all of it because when you have a Christ-centered marriage, that means that you're both equally trying to serve one another, you're trying to meet each other's needs, love each other the way that that that person needs to be loved, and ultimately you're just creating a recipe for success in your marriage. Absolutely. Well, my love, happy 10 years, 10 years, baby. This has been awesome, and it's so cool to be on this journey to see where we're at now. Yeah. Compared to 2016. You know, it's like it's so wild. It's the the difference is wild. But I honor you, I love you, I appreciate you so much. I love doing this life with you. I love our three kids, like everything. It's just amazing. So thank you for being the woman that you are, for growing like towards the Lord. Like, it's so cool to see that and how it's impacting not only me but our kids. So I just love you. You're how do I follow up with that? That was so good. You don't end a podcast now. Thank you, baby. You're you're the best. I I I'm gonna tell you all the things that I feel about you after I press end on this video, Kimberly. That's okay. You don't have to listen, I'm not expecting anything in return. This is just me serving you with affirming words. I love it. Well, if you guys want more marriage content, holler, let us know, and we can always put something together for you. Maybe we'll start doing counterculture marriage edition. Honestly, I have said this for years. Marriage is the best gift. Yep. It is the best gift. So if you are single listening to this podcast, get excited because marriage is the best gift, other than kids, on this side of eternity. So, y'all, it is it's just gonna keep getting better. And we're so hopeful for all of you guys to take these and process them, take them to the Lord, yeah, and that your marriage would thrive in Jesus' name. And we are praying and believing with you that the Lord is gonna bless and honor your marriages. This is an area that he loves more than anything. He loves the covenant of marriage, and God wants to be involved in all the details. You are safe talking to the Lord about it, you are safe bringing the Lord into every area of your marriage. And I just can't wait to see how the Lord blesses you and your marriage. And if you want more content, just follow us on social media, reach out, and we're happy to help. Yes, absolutely. And for the people that see this and they're like, Well, does this apply to me as somebody who's just dating or single? Absolutely, it applies because you're equipping yourself with knowledge to help you when you do have a spouse or when you are in that relationship and you're you're like, man, I need to, and listen, if we if you know, if the Lord wants us to do more on like couples and topics and stuff like that, then we will like that topics like that, then we will. Um, but a hundred percent, like even as a somebody that's single or dating or engaged, like all of this is relevant relevant information because at the end of the day, like I said, you are equipping yourself to be successful in your marriage. So, anyways, we love you guys. This has been Counterculture on Destination with Caleb and Stephanie